When your child reaches their teenage years, it may seem that he or she doesn’t want or need your physical or emotional affection. But perhaps more than any time in their life, teenagers need the security of unconditional love from their parents.

Your Kids Just Want to Know They’re Loved

A young girl wrote these song lyrics about her absentee dad:

I wear your old clothes, your polo sweater. I dream of another you, the one who would never leave me alone to pick up the pieces — a daddy to hold me. That’s what I needed.

That young girl, Lindsay Lohan, would grow up to record those words in her song “Confessions of a Broken Heart.” She would perform in movies, be in and out of jail, go to rehab and struggle to “get her act together.” When we look beyond Lindsay’s erratic behavior, we see a girl in desperate search of her father’s love.

Another example: An extraordinarily talented 5-year-old boy was rehearsing songs with his four brothers for an upcoming TV special. The boys’ father was frustrated that the boys weren’t getting their parts just right. The little boy wanted clarification, so he addressed his father. “Daddy,” he began. Interrupting him, his father stated sternly, “I’m not your father right now. I’m your manager and don’t you ever forget it.”

Little Michael Jackson never did forget that moment. A few years before his death, Michael was speaking to students at Oxford University to his newly formed foundation, Help the Children. About fifteen minutes into his presentation he began to weep. After regaining his composure, Michael vulnerably shared: “I just wanted a dad. I wanted a father to show me love. But I never once heard my father say, ‘Michael, I love you.’”

More than fortune or fame. More than peer acceptance. More than anything else your kids can dream for. They mostly want to know you are there for them with unconditional love.

You don’t toss out your rules or lower your boundaries to protect them. Your kids need those rules and boundaries to feel secure. But they also need your rules and boundaries within the context of your loving relationship. The power of your love will be the motivating factor in their being able to make sound moral choices.

Demonstrate Your Unconditional Love

Here’s a suggestion: Go to your child or teenager right now and surprise them with a big hug. As you wrap your arms around them, tell them, “I love you.” Commit to letting them see you model your love every day. As you do, you will provide the security that you really are there for them with unfailing love.

Your loving relationship can empower your kids to believe right, embrace godly values, and live in ways that honor Him. That’s the power of love.

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> Need to talk to your kids about sex? Check out this bonus Chapter from Josh McDowell’s book Straight Talk.

> Check out the other parenting resources in our store.

> Want to hear Josh’s story of how he overcame his own difficult childhood? Click here to  learn about Josh’s journey!

 

We need authenticity, within healthy relationships, to find the freedom to become the people God wants us to be.

A few years ago, Josh McDowell rallied our ministry speaking team when he sat us down with his friend, Dr. Henry Cloud, a giant in the counseling world. You might have seen Dr. Cloud’s name on the back of one of his many internationally best-selling books, including his Boundaries series.

As Dr. Cloud notes in his book Changes That Heal, “Every week I see Christians who are suffering from a whole range of emotional problems: anxiety, loneliness, grief over broken relationships, resentment, and feelings of inadequacy. Often they have been struggling with these problems for years. They are people in pain.”

Some learn to hide that pain so well, for years, that no one sees it. Even though it’s at the forefront of our minds every minute. And every single one of those minutes, we live in fear that we’ll be discovered.

For 50+ years, Josh McDowell Ministry has been leading seekers into a deeper knowledge of God’s truth and power. We offer you our accumulated knowledge and research to help you find truth and encouragement to live a healthy and whole life in Christ.

We’re Designed for Relationships

As Dr. Cloud taught us about developing healthy relationships, he offered us a biblical model for addressing these struggles. He really opened our minds with his research, knowledge, and wisdom. But what impacted me most during our time together was the realization of how much he cares for individuals, even me.

Nearing the end of our training session, Dr. Cloud handed each of us a book titled The Power of the Other. He told us it would be a game-changer, if we read it. When I later opened the book, I was confronted with this statement: 

“There was only one thing that brought about change… the relationship. What actually brings about change in people, and the cure, is the relationship.”

This statement is super important, because it is foundational. The bottom line: For someone to speak into our life, we first need to feel that they care. We can choose from the best resources, books, and tools, to “fix” ourselves, but in the end, the curative force that helps us change is healthy relationships. People who care about us. People willing to offer us companionship — and grace.

Think about your hobbies. Maybe you’re into surfing, skiing, video games, or boardgames. Sure, these are fun to do alone. But I know that I would way rather surf with my friends than surf alone. Doing things with my friends fulfills me because we are enjoying them together. Even if we’re in an unexpected period of “social distancing” like we find ourselves in now, we still need relationships.

At the core of our being, I think we all know this: we crave connection. Even the most introverted or antisocial among us need connection. Do you know someone who doesn’t particularly like people, but has one or more pets? They are meeting their need for connection.

The Bible gives a pretty good explanation for why we crave relationships with others.  Simply put, Genesis 1 tells us that we have been created for intimacy with God. Genesis 2 adds that we also are created for intimacy with others. 
But here’s the catch: relationships only work when they are healthy. Lying and manipulating both stress and hurt relationships.

But in healthy relationships, authenticity, vulnerability, intimacy, and selflessness bring us closer together. In healthy relationships we are able to identify and deal with our emotions. In healthy relationships, we are able to work through our pain. In healthy relationships we are able to share our hidden parts of ourselves, guided by the Holy Spirit.

The Weight of Disconnection

One of the points Dr. Cloud shared with our team is that our hearts have two basic desires: to be fully known and fully loved. I really love what Dr. Timothy Keller, a renowned speaker and pastor in New York City, says about the joy of being fully known:

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” 

When we are lost in addiction, loneliness, and pain, we feel the weight of disconnection. When we are not fully known or fully loved within healthy relationships, we feel the weight of disconnect. I personally struggled with this disconnect for 11 years, when  I was addicted to pornography.

While on the outside I appeared to have it all together, I was hurting and wounded on the inside. I desperately hid this part of myself — even from my family who love me so much — because I was afraid of being rejected.

I want you to ponder this statement for a minute, until it really sinks in: When you are 99 percent known, but still 1 percent unknown, you are fully unknown.

“But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.” ~ Dr. Timothy Keller

Living in Our 1 Percent

When I first heard this concept from Matt Chandler, pastor of The Village Church in Dallas, Texas, I was skeptical of its truth. But as I compared it with my personal experience, and the experience of others that I know, I realized that it is valid.

If you are skeptical, here’s the bottom line: It’s not so much about the percentage, but the principle of the statement. When we don’t feel fully known, we don’t feel fully loved or accepted.

For years I shared most of my life with others. But I hid my addiction to pornography, which prevented anyone from fully knowing me. I was consumed with guilt and shame, but I learned to act like everything was okay. It took so much effort. And kept me in fear.

I filtered everything through that guilt and shame. When someone would compliment me on something, I thought they would retract their statement if they knew about my hidden sin. If a person told me that they loved or valued me, I didn’t believe it. Because they didn’t fully know me. When we are even 1 percent unknown, we live as if we are fully unknown. We put up walls of facade to protect ourselves.

Authentic Relationships Lead to Freedom

But Jesus is looking for our honesty. In our failures, He wants to see progress in our repentance from sin, not our perfection. What matters to Him is the actions we take when we sin. Unfortunately, there’s a problem in the Church. Too many people get the idea that they have to be “alright” all the time.

I grew up in church; I’m a pastor’s son. I internalized the message that the ideal Christian prays continuously, studies the Word, evangelizes everyone, and is holy all the time. Which is why we see so many Christians afraid to admit their sin. But if we accept this lie of perfection, all we can see is our sin and failure.

Yes, we can try to fill our desire of being loved and accepted by portraying a false version of ourselves, as I did for almost a decade. People will accept us for putting on a show, but will our hiding a part of ourselves bring us closer together? No. As I found out, it just brought more pain. I hated myself.

But one of the greatest sources of healing in my recovery from porn addiction was my decision to be 100 percent vulnerable with the people I love and trust. I was so afraid to do so, but when I finally pulled back the curtain on my junk to my parents, they offered me what Jesus also offers: unconditional grace and acceptance. Choosing to become 100 percent authentic has allowed me to step into healthy relationships that have brought me closer to God and others.

Now it’s your turn. What is the 1 percent that is isolating you from people? What do you need to stop hiding, so that you can begin to walk in self-forgiveness and grace? I encourage you to  share your burden with people you trust.

Are you worried what they will think of you? If it is someone you trust to love you, my guess is they won’t disown you or kick you to the curb. I bet their response will go something like this, “Hey thanks for being honest.” James 5:16 states that when we confess our sins to each other and pray for each other, we will be healed. I know this verse is true, because I am living it.

If I can encourage you further, please leave a comment below. God unconditionally loves you. Don’t think your sin can ever change that.

NEXT STEPS:

• Want Josh McDowell Ministry to pray for you? Share your needs with us.
• Who does God say that you are? Check out Ben Bennett’s article.
• Check out Josh’s research on the epidemic of pornography.
• Have you checked out our Resolution Movement? Click here.

Austin serves as a speaker with the Josh McDowell Ministry. A recent graduate of Talbot School of Theology, Austin and his wife Hannah seek to reach a wounded and broken generation for Jesus Christ.

A few years ago my sister walked up to me on the campus of Liberty University, seeking comfort from her older brother. A magician had just attempted to manipulate a kiss from her via his magic trick.

She came to me for safety and protection. But as I heard her story, I felt no emotion. Does that sound off to you? I mean, big brothers are supposed to be protective of their sisters, right? But in hearing that some guy had tried to kiss my sister, I honestly felt nothing. I remember thinking, “What’s the big deal? It’s just a kiss.” 

My years of watching pornography had desensitized me to healthy love. Love lost its beauty.

For 50+ years, Josh McDowell Ministry has been leading seekers into a deeper knowledge of God’s truth and power. We offer you our accumulated knowledge and research to help you find truth and encouragement to live a healthy and whole life in Christ.

Love: A Chemical Reaction?

When I first heard Josh McDowell speak on love, he claimed that it’s just a chemical reaction. That didn’t sit right with me, as I thought love was the good feeling we get when we really like someone. It felt like the word “chemical” took the emotion out of it. 
But Josh is right; we feel the emotion of love because of a chemical response. When we feel incredible joy, excitement, or sadness, it’s because of a release of chemicals in our brain.
Take the chemical, dopamine, for example. Dopamine is known as a pleasure chemical. When we satisfy a craving for hunger, or are complimented for doing something well, this feel-good chemical is released in our brain. This makes us feel great. Likewise, when we kiss, hug, or have sex, dopamine is released. 

Many mental health disorders are linked to too much or too little dopamine in different parts of the brain. Dopamine can fuel addiction.

The Big Problem

But here’s an interesting fact: the chemicals in our brains that produce bonding, good feelings, or love, are morally neutral. That’s right, the chemicals in your brain lack a moral code. That means they don’t know the difference between sex in a loving marriage relationship — or rape.
Which is why we have to tell our brains what is and is not acceptable. What is right and what is wrong. Otherwise dopamine and other chemicals will have free reign to lead us where we have no business going — whether that’s consuming too many cookies in one sitting, or developing a habit of porn.
I remember the first time I saw porn. It was in my neighbor’s basement. I was in kindergarten. I felt repulsed — as I should have. But in choosing to return to porn years later, those repulsive images became pleasurable to me.
Repeated porn viewing creates an addiction to see more. As the dopamine overpowered my repulsion, I began to associate pornography with pleasure. My brain was being rewired and desensitized. I allowed this ugly habit to grow bigger because seeing the graphic images felt good — even though I knew, from my Christian upbringing, that it wasn’t good for me.

Our brain likes pleasure. So if something feels good, we tend to return to it for more of that good feeling. 

After gaining pleasure from seeing so many horrific pornographic images, my brain viewed porn as normal. So, by the time my sister came running to me for empathy, I had none to give her. Watching porn had totally skewed my view of physical touch.
I had begun to think of women as objects for my pleasure, and that sexual acts outside of marriage weren’t all that bad. This became scary to me, because my parents had raised me with this truth: sex is God’s beautiful design to cement a couple’s love inside of marriage.

What’s your view of sex and love? Ask yourself these questions:

• Are you watching porn? If you are, know that you are being desensitized to healthy love every time you view it.
• Do you feel tension or conviction when you read God’s Word, or hear about a biblical model for sexuality? If so, there is conflict in your view of sexuality.
• Are you repulsed when you see sexual content outside of a biblical view of sexuality? If so, love may have lost its beauty for you.

The Healthy Solution

God created our emotions and ability to experience love in the context of His design. He also created our brains with the ability to learn — and unlearn. We can be desensitized to our addictions, even a strong addiction like pornography.
In Romans 12:2, Paul states, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.” Our brains can return to a state of health, by what we feed it, so that we gain a healthy, biblical view of sex and love. 
I’m not going to lie: this renewal of the mind takes hard work. We get there by daily starving the unwanted behaviors, thoughts, or beliefs in our head, and replacing them with healthy ones. I know this to be true because I have personally experienced this transformation. I have spent the past three years pursuing health and freedom from my porn addiction. Today, I can truthfully say that I am free of it and have found health.
When my sister and I now speak of this old memory, she clearly remembers the numb expression on my face. I regret not being there for her. If she came running up to her big brother today, would my response be different? Yes!
Now I would be able to feel her hurt and embarrassment and be there to console her. And if I am honest, I might have to go deal with that magician. After my experience with porn, I don’t want anyone to have the opportunity to cheapen love or physical touch for her.
Porn desensitized my brain to see women as objects. But now I see each person on this planet as loved and cherished by God. And I can now clearly see that His design for sex and love is very good, because it is healthy, selfless, and affirming.
I am deeply grateful that, for me, love has no longer lost its beauty. 

Porn turns people into objects. Porn turns sex into self-pleasure. Porn causes love to lose its beauty.

NEXT STEPS:

• In this video, Sean McDowell asks, “What is the best definition of love?“
• In this post, Ben Bennett answers the question, “How do we overcome the shame caused by desensitization?“
• Please read my article “Living in Freedom From Addiction.“
• How does porn affect our brains? Check out Josh’s research in “The Porn Epidemic.”

Austin serves as a speaker with the Josh McDowell Ministry. A recent graduate of Talbot School of Theology, Austin and his wife Hannah seek to reach a wounded and broken generation in relevant ways with the gospel of Jesus Christ.

For two years I traveled with Josh McDowell, helping to wake people up to the fact that pornography has become an epidemic in America — despite the fact that few seem to recognize the problem.

I know first-hand the devastation it causes, and how easy it is to become addicted and enslaved by shame. Here’s a bit of my story.

My Early Intro to Porn

I remember the moment like it was yesterday. I walked into the room at our youth group’s winter camp, only to be greeted by the tears of a good friend. It was sixth grade and I was 12 years old. He blurted, “I need to tell you something.” Before I knew it, he was spilling out a story all too familiar to my own: his deep struggle with pornography. I sat, shocked, as guilt and an enormous conviction flooded my soul. 
I was first exposed to porn at just nine years old, but curiosity led me to seek it out when I was eleven. That unwise decision birthed an 11-year addiction that devastated that period of my life. For almost a decade, pornography became my source of intimacy, gratification, and acceptance.

When I was lonely, porn was my comfort. When I felt like a failure, porn gratified. When I felt like I was worthless, porn gave me a sense of worth.

My desire to be fully known and loved began to be satisfied by this counterfeit source. Porn was an escape into a pleasure-soaked world. I soon became emotionally withdrawn from family and friends, as shame and isolation grew within me.

Hiding My Shame

At church I was the pastor’s son; I looked like I had it all together. I learned all the right answers and how to perform for others’ acceptance. Opportunities arose for me to lead worship, small groups in my youth group, and even speak. Mentors and friends encouraged and complimented me, but their uplifting words filtered through my shame, diving me deeper into desolation.
I lied, ran, and hid in moments of vulnerability. Honestly, my life looked good, but the unrest of my double life tore me apart. 
I heard at church and Christian seminars that if I confessed my sin to Jesus, and developed accountability with the guys around me, I would find freedom from my addiction. I tried this for years, confessing my sins over and over again with accountability that failed. This traumatizing cycle of guilt, confession, short periods of change, and relapse continued throughout my addiction.

As I repeatedly failed, the guilt of my failure moved to shame when I viewed myself as the failure. Rock bottom was a rude awakening in my junior year of college.

I had lost hope and was deeply depressed. Failure, worthlessness, and shame consumed my thoughts as I tried to keep my act together. On the morning of March 28, 2017, I finally reached out to the two people that I knew loved and cared about me more than anyone else, my parents.
I called home and confessed. And in that moment I experienced pure grace.

Seeking Freedom

My parents spoke worth into who I was as a child of God — and as their son. That morning launched my process of finding health: cutting the supply of pornography, true repentance, true accountability, and counseling.
Finding healing has been one of the hardest journeys of my life. I struggle to use the term “freedom” because I struggle to believe that we can find true freedom from sin here on earth. That full freedom is what we look forward to when we are reunited with our Creator.

But I can say that I have found a new level of health, which consists of a life of no secrets, intimacy with God, processing emotions, and reaching out in relationships.

Do I still watch porn? No. But am I truly free? No. Because porn is not just a problem, it is a medication for an underlying problem.
We all medicate with something when we have desires that go unmet. Instead of healthily going to God and the people around me to be loved and known, fear drove me to a counterfeit. Through counseling, I realized that I was not just dealing with an addiction to pornography, but wounds of my past. Porn addicts are not perverts; they are hurting and looking for love, acceptance, and gratification in the wrong place. As my friend Ben Bennett, the director of the Josh McDowell Ministry’s Resolution Movement says, “Unmet desires lead to unwanted behaviors.”

Leaning on Christ

There is much pain in my story. But that pain is nothing compared to the deep love of Christ. I can sit here today with the strong conviction that I am a beloved child of God, with immense worth to my Creator. That is cause to celebrate! Nothing compares to my intimacy with the Lord and the people around me. I hold strong to these two verses that my parents shared with me the morning I confessed my addiction:

John 16:33: “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”  
Romans 8:1: “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” 

Pornography is wrecking our nation, our churches, our families, and us as individuals. It is undermining the very groundwork God put in place for people to relate in healthy intimacy. The global stats of this struggle are overwhelming, but there is hope, starting with the Church choosing to deal with this struggle directly.
As the Church, the bride of Christ, let’s start talking. Let’s normalize the topic of sexual addiction, which has been taboo for too long in the Church. Until we are willing to talk about this openly and compassionately, porn addicts will continue to hide in their shame.
I ask you: Is it the purpose of the Church to condemn — or to help lead captives to freedom? I believe Jesus came to show us that it’s the latter.

For more on my story, listen to the Long Story Short podcast, where my good friend Alex and I discuss the shame and solution to porn addiction.

Helpful Resources:

• Join the Resolution!
• Josh McDowell Ministry Sex & Relationships resource page
• https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/NISVS-StateReportBook.pdf
• https://fightthenewdrug.org/why-consuming-porn-is-an-escalating-behavior/#24
• https://www.culturereframed.org/researched-harms/

Welcome! In this post Josh McDowell offers four tips for identifying conflict in our lives.

How much conflict do we create ourselves?

Important Life Lessons

If it were up to me, by the time students exit elementary school they would be intentional in reflecting good citizenship via their words and actions. Think how great junior high and high school would be without the unnecessary drama!

I’d also make sure that teens learn critical financial basics: that they can balance a checkbook, and they understand that financial freedom follows saving and not misusing credit cards. (And that developing a daily $5 latte habit ain’t smart.) And that they realize the snare of instant gratification, and that every choice and action (and inaction) adds up to shape the path of their life.

Man, I’d want them to *get* that life is supposed to be hard, in order to develop their inner strength and confidence and resourcefulness. And that it doesn’t serve them to walk around continually offended and in conflict with others. Don’t we tell our kids not to bully each other? But they watch as we “adults” then viciously denigrate each other, particularly online. Where’s the disconnect? My thought is stored up hurts and anger.

So many people are at full rage because they don’t know how to productively let off steam. They lack the tools for peaceful co-existence; they haven’t been taught how to show respect for the differing opinions around them. 

The Pesky Ego

Exploding at someone temporarily feels powerful, but in the end accomplishes very little. God designed us to to live in community, but we stall any chance of that when we “do” life in conflict. “Community” demands good citizenship: healthy boundaries, safe ways to express needs and feelings, and humble hearts.
Yet isn’t the overall message we get from society to live preoccupied with self? 
If we are encouraged to be self-absorbed, society fails to hold us to an acceptable standard of community. We can’t, for example, toss mean words at someone and not expect them to boomerang. We can’t toss a punch and not expect to also gain bruises. We can’t seek revenge and not expect an escalated response. Unless we’re taught to live to a higher standard that says, I will treat others with goodness, because everyone is a highly valued child of God.
Somehow we’ve allowed society to “Go for the gusto!” in the wrong direction. How desperately we need a course adjustment to again commit to the selfless values of kindness, honesty, civility, etc. Mr. Rodgers, come back! We need your humble influence!

“We live in a self-centered culture. Society’s emphasis is clearly on pleasing ourselves, not on nurturing our relationships. So we must rise above our culture and resolve our conflicts — not dissolve our relationships — if we truly want to experience intimate, fulfilling relationships.” ~Josh #conflict

Josh’s 4 Tips for Navigating Conflict

Despite what our media glorifies, we’re not too cool for school when we’re jerks to other people. Not even when we’re reacting to a jerk who snubbed us first. We must remember that our response is completely independent of how we are treated.
The root cause of much of the conflict in our world today is our unwillingness to forgive. As Josh notes, “Forgiveness is the oil of relationships.” God calls us to forgive. Not to excuse the other person’s action(s), but to FREE ourselves. Jesus tells us to forgive so we don’t walk around just waiting for an excuse to unload our stored up reservoirs of anger and hurt.

Sometimes conflict comes to us. But sometimes we bring it. Let’s look at Josh’s 4 conflict assessment tips:

Tip 1: Assess Your Attitude. As Aretha Franklin famously crooned, at issue is your R-E-S-P-E-C-T for others.

Are you speaking respectfully to others? Are you respectfully listening to others? Are you respectfully looking at others — or flashing them looks that communicate “You’re stupid!”? Are you acting respectfully? The truth: If we’re disrespectful to others, we’re also disrespecting ourselves.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Tip 2: Assess Your Emotional Base. Do you resemble a prickly cactus?

There’s a reason why, in Ephesians 4:26, the Bible reminds us to unload our anger daily before the sun sets. Our anger is like cement boots. When we refuse to take off the boots, we walk around cranky. I used to think I couldn’t release anger because the person who offended me might get the wrong message that I was okay with what they had done. I thought I would show up as a pushover. But releasing a grudge actually demonstrates our strength. Eventually we learn that forgiveness is for our benefit, not another. We hold the power!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Tip 3: Assess How You React: Are people responding to you negatively because of your behavior patterns?

So, here’s the thing: until we learn better, we tend to echo the bad patterns we learn at home. When you have conflict, have you learned to give people the silent treatment, freezing them out until you decide to thaw? Or perhaps your default is to draw blood with sarcasm. Or maybe you start crying to diffuse conflict. Or you plaster a smile on your face, acting like nothing is wrong. I had a college roommate who deflected any conversation she didn’t want to have. If I said, for example, “I’d like to know why you leave dishes in the sink instead of putting them into the dishwasher,” she’d respond with something like, “When you’re perfect, we can talk.” Yowza! It’s tough dealing with a narcissist.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Tip 4: Assess If You’re Reactive: Do you wait to see how people treat you before you decide how to treat them?

I’ve heard people say, “I only give respect to people who give it to me.” That might sound logical, but it’s an immature stance. And it lacks grace, which we ALL need on the days we don’t bring our best. Our being respectful should be entirely based on our choosing to be like Jesus. He had compassion and grace for even the rudest of people. Perhaps this analogy helps: Picture yourself as a bright, shinny quarter. You don’t become a penny just because you’re tossed into a jar full of pennies. Right?

The famous prayer of St. Francis of Assisi includes this line: “Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace.” Image what our relationships would look like if we, too, fervently committed to this prayer. #noconflictzone #goodrelationships #healthycommunity

In our next blog post, let’s look more at relationship dynamics.
Catch up: The introductory post to this series.

Grandparents, your role is super special. God has given YOU have the unique privilege of having a deep and lasting impact on your grandkids!

JOSH: People ask me, “Why do you have an emphasis on grandparents?”

Well, I’ve learned over the years that some of the most powerful people in a child’s life are Grandma and Grandpa. Why? Because when Grandma and Grandpa come over, they spend time with their grandkids, and often spend even more time with their grandkids than the parents do. Because of that, they’re a very powerful influence.

I believe that for grandparents to impact their grandchildren, they need to build strong relationships. The grandkids need to know that “Grandma and Grandpa really love me!” You build that trust that by listening to them, by encouraging them, by sharing God’s love with them, and by demonstrating your love for them.

Grandparents: As you build relationships with your grandkids, you should pass on God’s truth. But if you’re not grounded in God’s truth yourselves, you won’t be able to do that! 

Some important questions you need to be able to answer:

~ Why do you believe the Bible is true?
~ How do you know Christ is the Messiah, the Son of God?
~ Can you share why the resurrection is true, or that Christ is the Messiah, the Son of God?

Have these answers at the ready, because your grandchildren will likely ask them.

If you can’t give intelligent, biblically-based, historically accurate answers, your grandkids will eventually stop coming to you with these important questions. To gain these answers, you can read two of my bestselling books, Evidence That Demands a Verdict and More Than a Carpenter.

Check out these free parenting videos! I cover the topics of Affirmation, Acceptance, Appreciation, Availability, Affection, Approach Their World, and Accountability. 

Grandparents: Build loving relationships, be able to share truth within that context, and you will have a deep and lasting impact on your grandchildren. You were made for this!

Josh McDowell shares five parenting delusions that sabotage parents in having a close relationship with their kids.

An important take-away: As parents, we can’t give what we don’t have. If you need to grow your parenting skills, we have some really fab, free parenting resources for you at the bottom of this post!

Parent Delusion #1: Quality Over Quantity

My son turned ten just the other day. He said, “Thanks for the ball, dad, come on let’s play. Can you teach me to throw?” I said, “Not today, I got a lot to do.” He said, “That’s ok.” And he walked away, but his smile never dimmed. Said, “I’m gonna be like him, yeah. You know I’m gonna be like him.” **

It’s just not true that kids benefit most from occasional blocks of “quality” time with a parent. In truth, it’s the small, daily, teachable moments that help to cement a deepening connection between two people, especially a parent and child.

Consistent, positive interaction, based on an open channel of communication, builds a strong foundation of trust that will enable you to keep a connection during even the rocky moments of your relationship.

Watch Josh’s video here.

Parent Delusion #2: It’s the Big Moments That Matter Most

Big moments are great — if they’re balanced by the everyday small ones. No doubt about it, kids love trips to Disney World. But what matters more is that you’re intentionally experiencing it with them. Your children will remember a few highlights from the big moments and vacations, but it will be the cumulative build of your joint small, routine moments that will mold their character.

Parents, God has given YOU the privilege of playing a significant role here. Relish the trust He has placed in YOU! Watch Josh’s video here.

The big moments are important, but it’s usually not the big moments that mold a child’s life. ~ Josh

Parent Delusion #3: The Early “Formative” Years Matter Most

Yes, a child’s early years matter. Greatly. But your children also desperately need your time, love, and guidance during their challenging teen years. Even when it appears that your teenagers aren’t listening. Because they are. Think back on your own teen years!

Your kids just want to know that they can trust you with their worries and fears and weaknesses before they lower their guard enough to share them. Be a safe haven for your kids, as you rely on God’s Word to strengthen and guide them. And never stop praying for them!

Watch Josh’s video here.

Your children need you as much as teens as they do when they’re younger. ~ Josh

Parent Delusion #4: Work Now, Play Later

“But I just don’t have the time right now!” is just an excuse. Really. Because we all know, deep down, that we give time to what we DECIDE to give time to. Your children get this message loud and clear!

Yes, life gets busy. And yes, it’s important to provide financially for our families. But we must be super aware that it is the relationships we have with our spouse and kids that God expects us to make our main priority. Josh had to keep this in mind himself, during his busy travel schedule over the years. We can’t get back lost time. So to enjoy quality relationships with our kids down the road, we must make consistent investment in them now.

A perfect analogy: a lush lawn. How do we grow and maintain a front lawn that makes our neighbors green with envy? By diligently and consistently adding what our grass needs to thrive: sunlight, water, weeding, and even fertilizer. When we don’t, our grass is quick to evidence our neglect. Watch Josh’s video here.

“Make the priority for your family so obvious that it motivates others to have the same.” ~ Josh 

Parent Delusion #5: God’s Grace Will Cover My Mistakes

I’ve long since retired and my son’s moved away. I called him up just the other day. I said, “I’d like to see you if you don’t mind.” He said, “I’d love to, dad, if I could find the time. You see, my new job’s a hassle, and the kid’s got the flu, but it’s sure nice talking to you, dad. It’s been sure nice talking to you.” **

All parents make mistakes. Because they’re human. God continually offers to forgive those mistakes, because His love is that big and gracious. But the hurt we cause to our families via our words and actions has consequences. The hurt doesn’t go away unless we address it — ask for forgiveness — and commit to restoring the relationship. God is pleased with our efforts to bring our best selves!

Watch Josh’s video here.

** Song lyrics: Cat’s in the Cradle by 1970s American songwriter Harry Chapin.

>>>CLICK HERE to view all of Josh’s parenting videos.
>>>Click HERE to view Josh’s Father Factor report.

More than ever, we live in an over-sexualized world. Daily we are bombarded with sexual content from the media, advertising, video games, internet, and movies. Reports of sexual misconduct are regularly in the news. Misconduct that takes place in our communities, amidst those we love, amongst us, not some distant world. It’s not unusual for friends and family members to share their stories of sexual assault and harassment.

So many, including myself, have faced atrocities. I can tell you about the times I experienced sexual harassment as a kid by older men, being “cat-called” and inappropriately grabbed. I can tell you about the time I was stalked by a pedophile in a rest stop bathroom, and couldn’t escape his voyeuristic behavior. I can tell you about the many men and women I love who have been raped or sexually abused, and how porn played a key role in the abuser’s life.

So many people are hurting and struggling. I have long been devastated and sick to my stomach about the cycles of sexual exploitation that continue daily. For years now I’ve been writing, speaking, and leading healing groups on the topic of working through hurts and overcoming compulsive behaviors. Our world needs hope, healing, and change. Our world needs Jesus and His culture-altering message.

The Problem: A Pornified Culture

The world is one tap away from hardcore pornography through tablets and smartphones. Why is this such a problem? Some of the truths about porn:

> Porn has become the primary sex educator for many people (including teens and pre-teens).
> Porn is directly responsible for fueling the use and abuse of others, as people become desensitized and begin to view others as mere commodities.
> Porn teaches that sexual pleasure is to be taken, not given.
> Similar to a drug, tolerance builds up in the brain after repeatedly viewing pornography. This often leads to the desire for more explicit and taboo forms of porn, the desire to act out scenarios, sexual aggression, and demeaning others through words and actions. Currently, one in three women and one in six men experience sexual assault in their lifetime. This is tragic and heartbreaking!
>Porn fuels sexual harassment, sexual abuse, misogyny, and systemic sexism.
> Pornography is strongly interlinked with the human trafficking industry globally. Many performers on film are victims of sex trafficking themselves, coerced into participation in sexual acts.

The Solution: Jesus & His Healing Design

Amid the challenges of our over-sexualized world, the need is greater than ever for sharing Jesus’ love and message of healing! 
Jesus has a lot to say about sex, healing, and thriving:

> God designed sex within a certain context for deep connection and maximum satisfaction.
(Matthew 19:4-6)
> Jesus came to heal our brokenness and to bind up our wounds. (Psalm 147:3)
> Jesus came to seek and save the lost. (Luke 19:10)
> Jesus came to set the captive free. (Luke 4:18)
> Jesus came to bring us an abundant, thriving life right here and now. (John 10:10)

We need a greater vision for sex – God’s vision for sex. And to share with others how they can be healed and set free from their experiences and struggles. Sadly, so many people are lost and trying to live with no universal truth or standard. They experience the damaging effects of that lifestyle, including sexual brokenness. But through Jesus’ design, we can truly thrive and heal, experience maximum satisfaction, and be protected from hurting others or being hurt.

Can We Turn the Tide on the Sexual Epidemic?

Yes! Jesus’ message of sexual wholeness meets one of the greatest needs of our day, offering light where darkness abounds! At Josh McDowell Ministry we’re working hard to disciple people in their faith and guide them into sexual wholeness. We define “sexual wholeness” as God’s thriving design for sex and sexuality.
The situation can seem overwhelming and hopeless. But there are solutions. We can start by asking these important questions:

> Are we helping people to understand how Jesus heals the brokenhearted in practical ways?
> Are we taking drastic measures in our churches and families to address these issues with both preventative and restorative means?
> Are we seeking help ourselves, getting healthy, and changing the systems that perpetuate sexual
brokenness?
> Are we teaching God’s design for sexual wholeness?
> Are we inviting others to know this Jesus who can make them whole as well?

We care deeply that all experience healing, come to understand God’s design for sexual wholeness, and learn the best preventative and restorative solutions to pornography use. Stay with us as we continue this critical conversation!

Helpful Resources:
> Josh McDowell Ministry Sex & Relationships resource page
> https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/NISVS-StateReportBook.pdf
> https://fightthenewdrug.org/why-consuming-porn-is-an-escalating-behavior/#24
> https://www.culturereframed.org/researched-harms/
> https://www.huffingtonpost.com/johnhenry-westen/want-to-stop-sex-traffick_b_6563338.html

Ben Bennett is an author and communicator with Josh McDowell Ministry. Learn more at www.Josh.org/Ben.

Welcome! As Valentine’s Day quickly approaches, I want to ask you this question: Who is the author of the best valentine ever? Shakespeare? Keats? Dickinson?

Nope. God!

Valentine and Day. Just mentioning those two words together puts some in a major funk.

Because we’re not in a relationship, and desperately want one — or we’re in one, but the bloom of love has worn off. And some of us simply roll our eyes at Valentine’s Day — this “Hallmark Holiday” — because it feels contrived and inauthentic.

I’ve been married to my lovely bride, Dottie, for nearly half a century now (wow!). You can bet that after all these years, even on Valentine’s Day, I want her to feel really loved. But I have to admit that, to us, Valentine’s Day feels no different from the other 364 days of the year. Because we’re “all in” when it comes to loving each other.

The Author of Perfect Love

For the perfect example of how to do love “right,” Dottie and I look to the greatest source of love in the universe. I’m talking about God, of course. Our Creator loves us so much that He was willing to take human form to demonstrate the agony He feels about sin. Because God is utterly holy, He couldn’t allow us into full relationship with Him again until He took our sins upon Himself at the cross.

God pines for us! For the trusting, intimate relationship He always planned to share with us. He wants us to feel the assurance of His love 24/7 — 365 days of the year. His love is so perfect, in fact, that He refuses to remove it, even when we least deserve it. His love is as constant as the sun, moon, and stars, which serve to remind us of His incredible consistency, creativity, and power.

We know of His love because it’s the message He repeats … and repeats and repeats … throughout His Word. The Bible is His living, breathing love song to us. It’s like the best Valentine’s Day gesture ever … only way better than the biggest box of chocolates, lushest bouquet, or fanciest 5-star meal available on the planet.

God promises us that nothing can separate us from His love. One of my favorite verses of this promise is found in Romans 8:38-39. Commit this to memory! It’s a terrific verse to recall in the moments you begin to doubt that God loves you:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

When Valentine’s Day pops up on the calendar this week, let it remind you of the greatest love you will ever experience — if you open your heart to God. His love won’t whither and fade like the petals of the beautiful red rose pictured above. His love blooms eternal. For YOU and for me. We are never separated from God’s perfect love.

WATCH THIS:  a short video of my recalling a Valentine memory with Dottie.

Move over Millennials. A new generation is here, Gen Z, born between 1995 and 2010. Following are nine insights about them from research by Sean McDowell.

“There is a tendency to be either overly romantic or critical about new generations,” notes Sean. “The reality is that members of Generation Z face the same life challenges as previous generations, but in a super-connected and rapid-moving technological age. They also have the same deep needs for love, significance, meaning, and belonging as every previous generation.”

Nine insights about this generation:

1. Digital Natives: While Millennials grew up in a technologically savvy and connected world, Generation Z can’t remember a world without the Internet. They grew up swiping an iPad before they learned how to talk, and are the first generation to be raised in the era of smartphones. Teenage members of Gen Z are connected nearly every waking hour of the day.

2. Entrepreneurial: Gen Zers have been raised with businesses such as Uber and airbnb, seeing how easy and simple it is to use your own time and resources to make money. Seventy-two percent of older members of Gen Z state they want to start their own business.[1]

3. Diverse: This is the last generation that will be majority white (52%). Between 2000-2010, the country’s Hispanic population grew at four times the rate of the total population.[2] The idea of a black president is not exceptional to them—its normal. Gen Zers have grown up experiencing diversity, and they feel overwhelmingly positive about it.

4. Less Religious Identification: In 1966, 6.6% of incoming freshman reported being unaffiliated with any religion. In 2015, nearly one-third (29.6%) of all incoming college students reported not identifying with any particular religion.[3] The question is whether young people today are truly moving away from religion or just defining themselves differently than previous generations. I tend towards the latter explanation, although there is probably some truth in the first.

5. Blurry: Formerly distinct lines are now considered “blurry.” Technology has blurred the lines between home and work, study and entertainment, and public and private. Gen Zers have a different experience of family—same-sex households, working moms, stay-at-home dads, three-parent families, and couples choosing not to have kids. The nuclear family will make up less than a third of all families by 2026.[4] And, of course, gender and romantic identities have become blurry as well.[5]

6. Overwhelmed: In her interviews with teens for her article in Time magazine, Susanna Schrobsdorff says that “there was a pervasive sense that being a teenager today is a draining full-time job that includes doing schoolwork, managing a social media identity and fretting about career, climate change, sexism, racism—you name it.”[6] Sixty-eight percent feel overwhelmed by everything they need to do each week.[7]

7. Lonely: 3 million adolescents 12-17 have had a “major depressive episode” in the past year. There has been in increase in anxiety and depression among high school students since 2012. And this upsurge cuts across virtually all demographics—suburban, urban, and rural.[8]

8. Progressive: Most Gen Zers plan to get married, have children, and buy a home—although probably later than previous generations. And they are less likely to drink, smoke, and take drugs. Yet they hold more progressive views on issues like the legality of marijuana and the morality of same-sex marriage.[9]

9. Individualistic: Anne Fisher captures the forces that have helped create an individualistic emphasis among this generation: “Gen Z is used to having everything personalized just for them, from playlists to newsfeeds to products features of all kinds. They’ve grown up expecting that.”[10]

Sean McDowell, Ph.D. is a professor of Christian Apologetics at Biola University, a best-selling author of 18+ books, and an internationally recognized speaker. This post first appeared on Sean’s website.

[1] “6 Trends Among Gen Z in 2016” (Nov 23, 2016)
[2] Alex Williams, “Move Over, Millennials, Here Comes Generation Z” New York Times (Sep 18, 2015)
[3] Kevin Eagan, Ellen Bara Stolzenberg, Joseph J. Ramirez, Melissa C. Aragon, Maria Ramirez Suchard, Cecilia Rios-Aguilar, The American Freshman: Fifty-year Trends | 1966-2015, 7
[4] Marika Dobbin, “Four things making Generation-Z miserable” (Dec 10, 2015)
[5] Noah Michelson, “What’s a Skoliosexual?” Huffington Post (10/19/2015)
[6] Susanna Schrobsdorff, “The Kids Are Not All Right,” Time (Nov 7, 2016): 47
[7] Erin Anderssen, “Through the eyes of Generation Z” (June 28, 2016)
[8] Susanna Schrobsdorff, “The Kids Are Not All Right,” Time (Nov 7, 2016): 47
[9] The American Freshman, 29
[10] Anne Fisher, “Forget Millennials. Are You Ready to Hire Generation Z?” Fortune.com (August 14, 2016)

Solutions for the Challenges Facing Gen Z

Research reveals five challenges Generation Z are experiencing in greater numbers than previous generations:

• Mental Health Issues
• Shame and Emotional Wounds
• Porn Use
• Loneliness
• Lack of a Biblical Worldview

At Resolution Movement, one of our Ministry initiatives, Josh McDowell and Ben Bennett highlight what God says in His Word, along with research in brain science, to help young people learn to heal, thrive, and live in wholeness.

Recommended Parenting Resources

“Rules without relationships lead to rebellion.” ~ Josh McDowell

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