When your child reaches their teenage years, it may seem that he or she doesn’t want or need your physical or emotional affection. But perhaps more than any time in their life, teenagers need the security of unconditional love from their parents.

Your Kids Just Want to Know They’re Loved

A young girl wrote these song lyrics about her absentee dad:

I wear your old clothes, your polo sweater. I dream of another you, the one who would never leave me alone to pick up the pieces — a daddy to hold me. That’s what I needed.

That young girl, Lindsay Lohan, would grow up to record those words in her song “Confessions of a Broken Heart.” She would perform in movies, be in and out of jail, go to rehab and struggle to “get her act together.” When we look beyond Lindsay’s erratic behavior, we see a girl in desperate search of her father’s love.

Another example: An extraordinarily talented 5-year-old boy was rehearsing songs with his four brothers for an upcoming TV special. The boys’ father was frustrated that the boys weren’t getting their parts just right. The little boy wanted clarification, so he addressed his father. “Daddy,” he began. Interrupting him, his father stated sternly, “I’m not your father right now. I’m your manager and don’t you ever forget it.”

Little Michael Jackson never did forget that moment. A few years before his death, Michael was speaking to students at Oxford University to his newly formed foundation, Help the Children. About fifteen minutes into his presentation he began to weep. After regaining his composure, Michael vulnerably shared: “I just wanted a dad. I wanted a father to show me love. But I never once heard my father say, ‘Michael, I love you.’”

More than fortune or fame. More than peer acceptance. More than anything else your kids can dream for. They mostly want to know you are there for them with unconditional love.

You don’t toss out your rules or lower your boundaries to protect them. Your kids need those rules and boundaries to feel secure. But they also need your rules and boundaries within the context of your loving relationship. The power of your love will be the motivating factor in their being able to make sound moral choices.

Demonstrate Your Unconditional Love

Here’s a suggestion: Go to your child or teenager right now and surprise them with a big hug. As you wrap your arms around them, tell them, “I love you.” Commit to letting them see you model your love every day. As you do, you will provide the security that you really are there for them with unfailing love.

Your loving relationship can empower your kids to believe right, embrace godly values, and live in ways that honor Him. That’s the power of love.

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> Need to talk to your kids about sex? Check out this bonus Chapter from Josh McDowell’s book Straight Talk.

> Check out the other parenting resources in our store.

> Want to hear Josh’s story of how he overcame his own difficult childhood? Click here to  learn about Josh’s journey!

 

It’s okay to not be okay. But it’s not okay to stay there.

I walked into Christian churches, concerts, and events for years with the goal of performing. As a pastor’s son, I thought I had an image to uphold, so I acted like I had my life together. I believed in performance-based acceptance. As long as I acted like I wasn’t sinning, everything was “good.” If my relationships with God and others were great, I believed that people would like and accept me. 
But I didn’t have my life together. I was incredibly lonely, sinning with pornography, and feeling distant in my relationships. I was terrified that if someone found out who I was, they would reject me and expose my sin. I believed Satan’s lie that I was not enough. Thoughts flowed through my head as I labeled myself “unloveable,” “unworthy,” and a “failure.” I not only believed these false labels in the context of my human relationships, but in my relationship with God Himself. 
I had hidden sin, in the place we are supposed to have the freedom to expose and confess our sin. But I felt like I needed to fake it, even in church, to be accepted. Can you relate?

For 50+ years, Josh McDowell Ministry has been leading seekers into a deeper knowledge of God’s truth and power. We offer you our accumulated knowledge and research to help you find truth and encouragement to live a healthy and whole life in Christ.

Imposter Syndrome

I think that we are subtlety told through the media that we need to be perfect. We live in constant comparison with others, believing they are better than us. Men are told they need to be strong and tough. Women are told they need to support and be perfect. We follow others we look up to, assuming they have it all together. Instead of giving us motivation to become better, this comparison tears us down. It reinforces that who we are is not good enough, and never will be.
I have even seen this in the Church, and I’m sure you have, too. No matter how much I tried to perform and be like a pastor, or influential leader, I still failed. No matter how much I read my bible and prayed, I still sinned. The lie is that if we have a good relationship with Christ, we won’t struggle or fail. If we are thriving, we won’t be failing.
Have you ever heard the expression “Fake it till you make it”? It’s the Imposter Syndrome. It says, “Don’t let anyone find out who you really are, because you won’t make it if they know who you really are.” 

But here is the reality: we are not good enough on our own! This is why Jesus came.

Okay to Not be Okay

When we understand the grace we have been given, the true nature of the Gospel, it becomes okay for us to not be okay. We can understand our sin, but also understand the Savior who paid for it.  Check out my friend Matt’s article on the guilt we feel, even when we are forgiven.
Sometimes it takes confession to realize that it’s okay to not be okay. Through years of porn addiction, I had built up the belief that it was not okay to not be okay. But in a moment of brokenness fueled by hope, I reached out and trusted others with my sin. When I admitted that I was not okay, I was met with love, understanding, and acceptance. I wasn’t rejected, like I thought I would be. This is when I learned that I could share my struggles, and not be looked down upon for them.
But there was a second lesson I learned: It is empathetically okay not to be okay, but when that okay hinders us from something that may better us, it’s not okay.

Christ Calls Us To More

The initial moment of confession, expressing our brokenness to another person is huge. But it should not end there. This life will throw many problems and pains at us. Maybe it’s divorced parents, a pandemic, difficult people, or sin. When we begin to open up about our pain, and process it with others, we are taking the second step to not stay that way.
To grow to become the person Christ created us to be, we must first confess, then process our sin and pain. Christ promises forgiveness in 1 John 1:9. But stopping there often does not produce the relational and emotional healing we desire. James 5:16 promises healing when we confess and pray for each other.
Our sin has consequences that we must deal with. We need to process the pain, understand the root of the issue, and take steps to remove ourselves from the problem. It is always tempting for us to isolate in fear. But we should run to others, with the hope of being met with love. 

Dealing With Sin and Pain

To begin my journey of confession and repentance, I needed permission. It took following authentic people who told me that I could be real. I sat for years hidden in my shame and guilt, believing the lie that I was not good enough. I showed up to church weekly lying about my great life. But when the authentic people opened up around me, and told me that it was okay not to be okay, I gave it a shot. I confessed to God, confessed to others, and began to repent from my sin.

Practical steps for dealing with sin and pain:

~ Take it to God in confession. Be real and share your true emotion.
~ Take it to others in confession and conversation. Be honest.
~ Process it. Name the fears, the sin, and talk through it with others. This is repentance.

That initial moment of opening up was terrifying for me. And it might feel terrifying to you. But don’t let your fear stop you. Confession is your first step to freedom. Here is your permission: it’s okay not to be okay, but don’t stay that way.
Jesus has paid for your sin in full, and God looks at you through Christ’s death. When you accept that good news, you become as white as snow in His eyes. So confess, repent, and experience health and freedom. Take the first step of confession!

We Care!

• May we pray for you? It would be our honor to walk alongside you. Share your needs with us.
• Would you like to know more about my story? Wounds, Shame, and Isolation: My Story
• What does true freedom look like? Living in Freedom from Addiction

AUSTIN IS PART OF THE SPEAKING TEAM AT JOSH MCDOWELL MINISTRY.

Solutions For Five Main Challenges of Young People’s Wholeness.
What Josh McDowell and Ben Bennett Have Discovered

Generation Z (those born between 1999 and 2015) are struggling today, and few understand why or what to do about it. Research reveals five common challenges, and though they’re nothing new, recent data shows that young people experience them in greater numbers than ever before:

• Mental Health Issues
• Shame and Emotional Wounds
• Porn Use
• Loneliness
• Lack of a Biblical Worldview

At Resolution (a new initiative from Josh McDowell Ministry), Josh and I have started the Resolution Podcast to deal with these issues directly. We reexamine what God says in His Word, along with what we’ve learned from brain science, to find ways to help young people learn how to heal, thrive and live in wholeness.
Below are key takeaways from our first conversation. You can watch it here in this video, or listen to it wherever you like to listen to podcasts.

Let’s look at the five issues and explore how they’re impacting Generation Z.

Issue #1: Mental Health Issues

Last year, Pew Research found that 70 percent of teens say anxiety and depression are major issues among their peers. Another study from JAMA Pediatrics reported that between 2007 and 2015, emergency room visits for suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide doubled among children and teens.
There’s no one root cause, but two things have happened that at least correlate with this statistic.
First, the introduction of the iPhone isolated children and gave them unfettered access to potentially damaging information. Second, kids with a disconnected father tend to have higher rates of depression. When taken together, the situation is potentially explosive.

Issue #2: Emotional Wounds

We recently asked close to three hundred pastors and leaders about common issues the teens in their ministries face. They told us, overwhelmingly, that these young people deal with emotional wounds, a negative self-image, and above all, shame.
As Josh began to see these trends, he spent an entire year thinking deeply about why young people experience so much shame. He saw that shame diminishes a child’s respect for authority, their desire to spend time with friends, and even the normal drive to connect with the opposite sex.

Issue #3: Porn Use

We’ve come to believe that, among other isolating factors, the pervasive use of porn drives these emotional wounds higher. Porn affects how young people view themselves, and increases the struggle for acceptance already prevalent during the teen years.
The majority of men and women — 91.5 percent of men and 60 percent of women — regularly seek out porn at least once monthly! When Josh and I spoke all over the world, we discovered that the majority of all teens, Christian or not, are caught in the grips of porn.
In our experience, too many parents and Christian leaders ignore the issue. Josh recalls, “Parents come to me and say, ‘Look, Josh, you don’t understand. My kids are good kids … they’re not going to look for porn.’”
But if kids have access to smartphones, porn can too easily find them! The porn industry is aggressively targeting our kids, even when our kids aren’t looking for it.

Issue #4: Loneliness

Cigna, a major health insurance company, recently found that members of Gen Z are lonelier and feel more left out than Millennials, Baby Boomers, and the Greatest Generation. Young people can connect freely through the Internet, yet they feel more isolated than ever. 
Compared with the youth of previous decades, today’s teens are socializing less in person. They are less likely to go to movies or parties, hang out with friends, or date. Instead, often they’re alone on a Friday night on their smartphone.

Issue #5: Lack of a Biblical Worldview

Finally, we learned that today’s youth are growing up with the least biblical worldview in American history. Barna Group found that only 4 percent of Generation Z have a truly Christian worldview.
As Josh says, “A worldview is simply how you view the world.” Our worldview, then, affects how we see ourselves and others. It affects every relationship we have. It affects how we behave and the choices we make.
And this generation doesn’t view truth as objective — but entirely subjective, based on every person and every situation. The result? What Josh calls “spiritual individualistic morality.”
Christians know that it is God, alone, who defines truth. We need His truth to operate effectively in this world. Living our lives from subjective truth will do us irreparable harm. We must correct our view to gain God’s perspective.

Parents and Leaders: You Can Help

Some believe Gen Z to be the most broken generation in American history. But brokenness isn’t a barrier for God — it’s a bridge to Jesus’ healing work. We must help this generation, through practical steps, to understand how Jesus brings healing. 
Parents and Christian leaders, intentionally engage with the young people in your life:

• Listen to young people carefully and without judgment
• Ask questions and let them respond
• Stay involved in their lives
• Find things to do together
• Be a safe person and share truth in love

As you can see, these issues are huge. That’s why Josh McDowell Ministry has jumped into this arena to do something about it through Resolution. We need to help our youth to learn who God says they are, and to experience wholeness. We can help them to love God, themselves, and others. To develop healthy relationships.
We invite you to join us in the Resolution Movement!

Ben Bennett
Director, Resolution

Subscribe to the Resolution Podcast wherever you listen: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or YouTube. In the coming weeks we’ll be discussing healing through the Bible and brain science!

I (Josh) was recently speaking with the youth pastor of a large church. I asked what he thought the number one epidemic is among youth. “Loneliness,” he replied. “I don’t know a kid in my youth group who isn’t struggling with it.” These were Christian kids with mostly Christian parents who loved them, yet somehow they all felt so alone and were hurting.

A few years ago, I (Ben) was mentoring a Christian student named Eric who was struggling with anger, poor self-image, and pornography. All the while, Eric was attempting to lead Bible studies, share his faith with others, and stop returning to his struggles. He wanted so badly to be free, and to overcome these issues that prevented him from loving others and enjoying life. Eric tried talking to his ministry directors, and memorizing Scripture about why anger and lust are wrong, but things didn’t get better. His faith was having little impact on his day-to-day struggles.
These are just two of the many stories we have witnessed around the globe in recent years.

Even before COVID-19, countless people were experiencing hurts and struggles at devastating rates. Many are struggling to survive, let alone thrive and experience the abundant life Jesus promises. We consistently hear of Christian influencers and leaders making headlines for their mistreatment of others, getting caught up in immoral choices, and struggling to live and lead from a place of wholeness. It’s common to witness our friends, Christian or not, struggling with their self-image, being reactive or defensive in relationships, and coping with stress through escapist behaviors.
Even those who hold deep Christian beliefs struggle to live in victory due to their painful life experiences. This, in turn, prevents them from experiencing the thriving life Christ has for them. It also prevents them from inviting others into a vibrant experience with Jesus.

Young People Are Struggling

Young people are really struggling as these statistics show:

• 70% of teens say anxiety and depression are major problems amongst their peers.
• Those ages 16 to 24 are 63 times more lonely than those over 75 years old.
• Only 4% of Gen Z hold to a biblical worldview.
• 76% of men and women ages 18-24 regularly seek out porn.
• Suicide is the second leading cause of death among young people.

I (Josh) experienced many of those struggles growing up. I endured an abusive and alcoholic father and a critical mother. And I was raped by a farmhand for seven years; the first time at just six years old. These experiences ultimately led to doubts about God, anger, and fear that I’d never be able to love or be loved. My childhood led me to develop unhealthy patterns that continued for decades.

I (Ben) also experienced many struggles as a child and teen. My parents were in full-time ministry with a large Christian organization, yet my dad was often angry, distant, and abusing alcohol. As I grew up, I lived in fear of him and struggled to fit in anywhere. By the age of eight, I was riddled with mental health issues, and a sense of worthlessness. Eventually I became addicted to food and porn. I began dealing with suicidal thoughts. I wondered if anyone would care if I ceased to exist. Yet all the while I was attending church, involved in youth groups, and reading my Bible. I suffered in silence and learned to hide what I was going through for fear of what others might say.

If the church is not whole and thriving, it will struggle to be relevant and offer the hope of the Gospel to the world around it.

They’re also asking, “How does Christianity offer a life of wholeness here and now?” These questions directly relate to their hurt and brokenness that need answers.

There Is Great Hope

Medical and mental health professionals confirm that much of the dysfunction and disconnectedness we experience in life stems from unaddressed or unresolved relational and emotional hurts. And the Bible confirms this as well. These hurts leave us with unfulfilled God-given longings that we seek to fulfill through unhealthy behaviors. Yet, our struggles aren’t random; they’re signals that when answered, can pave our way towards a thriving life.

When we experience the fulfillment of our God-given needs and longings (things like acceptance, love, affirmation, safety) by God and others, we start to heal at a root level. Just as negative experiences of unmet longings lead to unwanted behaviors, positive experiences of met longings lead to healing and thriving.
In the face of these challenges, there is great hope. Both of us have experienced freedom and healing through biblical, time-tested, and research-supported principles. We have witnessed God use these principles in the lives of tens of thousands of others and developed something we’ve deemed The Wholeness Apologetic–a biblical understanding of how we heal from brokenness, overcome struggles, and return to a life of wholeness. It’s time for these principles to be made accessible to the masses and for the church to see a movement of wholeness. It’s time for a Resolution.

Join The Resolution Movement

I (Josh) and Resolution Director, Ben Bennett, have started a worldwide movement to address these problems through a combination of neuroscience and the changeless truth of the Bible.
Even though we couldn’t have foreseen COVID-19 when we began planning the launch of Resolution a few years ago, it is amazing how God sovereignly orchestrated this content. Not only is Resolution relevant to the current state of our culture in 2020, but it is even more relevant in our new normal of sheltering in place, social distancing, and the rise of struggles many are experiencing due to COVID-19.

Through live events, a podcast, YouTube videos, and social/web presence, youth, parents, and youth leaders are equipped with biblical truth and brain science to overcome struggles and experience a thriving life with Christ and others.
Will you join the Resolution and help others find hope, healing, and freedom?
Here’s how:

• Mark your calendar for the launch of the Resolution Podcast on May 4, 2020. Listen, rate, review, and share the podcast.
• Check out resolutionmovement.org for more info and resources!
• Share the Resolution Movement on social media. Use the Resolution Media Kit for images to post about the movement. Use the below sample post descriptions as a guide, with the provided hashtags:

Youth are facing high levels of anxiety, loneliness, and shame.  The @ResolutionMovement combines biblical truth and brain science to help them find freedom! #resolutionmovement #struggles #teen #youthministry
I’m excited to be part of the @ResolutionMovement launching 5/4 with @benvbennett and @joshdmcdowell. Check it out!
resolutionmovement.buzzsprout.com
#resolutionmovement #struggles #teen #youthministry
Our struggles aren’t random; they’re signals that, when answered, can pave our way towards a thriving life. @resolutionmovement #resolutionmovement #struggles #teen #youthministry
We are facing a global epidemic. Many are hurting, lonely, and struggling, but not finding the biblical answers available to them. @resolutionmovement #resolutionmovement #struggles #teen  #youthministry

Mark your calendar for the world launch of the Resolution Podcast on May 4, 2020. Invite your friends to listen in!

Greater economic hardship. Relational disconnection. Loss of loved ones. Uncertainty. Job loss. Xenophobia. Racism. Lack of safety. The effects of COVID-19 are endless, and ruthless. These effects not only threaten our physical health, but our mental, relational, and spiritual health. They threaten our ability to win mentally and emotionally.

Continue reading, or click here to watch video.

No matter what you are facing during this time, you are not alone. You were not meant to be alone. You were never intended to experience this reality. You were made to thrive, created in the likeness of God with infinite worth, designed for healthy connection with Him and others. You were designed to experience the assurance of safety, to know that everything will be ok.
But the reality is that what we are experiencing in our world today doesn’t fit that bill, that need, that longing. So what do we do in this time of loss, pain, and hurt? How do we process what we are experiencing, to not cave to our anxiety, hopelessness, and pain? How do we choose health, rather than merely coping by binging Netflix or endlessly scrolling social media, overeating/drinking, or viewing pornography? How do we navigate our pain, loss, and uncertainty? How do we find a way to move forward and thrive?

After years of personally experiencing anxiety, emotional turmoil, hopelessness, and suicidal thoughts before finding hope and healing, I want to share the process that has helped me win mentally and emotionally.

This process shouldn’t be rushed, and sometimes taking weeks or even years. But I want to lay this out to encourage you and remind you that there is hope. Things will get better! There is a way to limit the pain you are experiencing. Not in a way that minimizes it, but in a way that helps you to not be alone, or fall into the lies and traps of our enemy.

1. Grieve Loss From COVID-19

The losses during this time are immense. Loss of financial income, death of loved ones, uncertainty, disconnection from others, loss of normal routines, activities, and hobbies, to name a few. The pain you are experiencing is real. Be honest with yourself about your fears, feelings, questions, hurts, and struggles. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to grieve and mourn the reality of what you are experiencing.
Ecclesiastes 3:4 reminds us that there is “a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” It’s okay to not have it all together and to mourn. In fact, it is healthy to do so. I’m reminded of how Jesus wept in John 11 when His friend Lazarus died. If He, God, took time to feel and grieve, how important is it for us?
I encourage you to write down the losses you are experiencing. Let yourself feel those emotions. Sit with them and talk to God about them. Be honest with Him about your hurt, frustrations, and questions. Visualize Him being with you and comforting you.

2. Identify The Messages

Loss, painful experiences, and uncertainty lead to messages we start to believe. But these messages are often not true. Maybe you’re experiencing economic hardship–you’ve lost your job or business has slowed down. What messages have you started to believe from those experiences? Perhaps, “God doesn’t care about me,” “I’m not good enough or gifted enough because others weren’t laid off but I was,” or “No matter how hard I try, I just can’t provide for my family. I’m inadequate.”
Maybe you’ve experienced loneliness because friends, family, and co-workers haven’t reached out to you, and you feel disconnected. What messages have you believed here? Is it “People don’t care about me,” “I’m unwanted,” or “I must not matter.” Lies and losses come in all shapes and sizes.
This has been the enemy’s tactic since day one in the Garden of Eden. To twist the truth, deceive us, and get us to believe lies about God, ourselves, and others. In Genesis 3, Adam and Eve fell for a lie from the enemy and disobeyed God’s command to not eat of the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
They ate the fruit and were immediately filled with shame, believing not just that they had done wrong, but that they were wrong. The lie that started about God, ended in a lie about themselves, too. The enemy wants to use whatever he can to get us to believe lies, often using our losses and painful experiences. Let us not be unaware of this key tactic in our lives.

3. Reframe The Messages

What is the truth about your current situation?  For example, in economic hardship, remind yourself that events are taking place that are out of your control. Remember Jesus’ words in Matthew 6:26, “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Remember that God will provide for you, because you are so valuable to Him.
In loneliness, remind yourself that Jesus said, “I am with you always, to the very end of the age” (Matthew 28:20). Remind yourself that in Christ you are a beloved child of God (1 John 3:1), chosen and wanted (John 15:16), and God’s masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10), whether others acknowledge that. But also remember that others may feel lonely or unwanted as well, and that you have the opportunity to reach out to them so that both of your needs are met.
Sit with God and experience this truth intellectually and emotionally. Savor what it feels like to be loved, accepted, and adequate. Come back to these truths and experience them when sadness, shame, or the lies surface again.

4. Connect With Others

Share with safe people the losses and pain you are experiencing. Connecting with others releases dopamine and oxytocin in our brains, leading to a sense of connection and satisfaction. It also affirms the reality that we are not alone and that we are understood. Text or FaceTime a friend or loved one. Go for a walk with someone you know, with appropriate social distancing. Schedule an online meeting with a therapist, coach, or mentor, if needed. 
Remember, we need one another. In the creation account God said that it was not good for Adam to be alone (Genesis 2:18). Hebrews 10:25 goes so far as to instruct us to “not neglect meeting together,” because of how important relational and spiritual connection is for each of us. 

5. Hold on to Hope

Think back on challenges you’ve faced in the past and how God got you through them. You’re still here. You’re reading this. You made it through! Think of how you might be able to help others through their struggles in the future, because of your own. Try to get a vision of what God might do in your life through this.
Viktor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, showcases the power of a future vision. Frankl found the strength to continue fighting for his life in a Nazi concentration camp during World War II. Overworked, underfed, struggling to survive the bitter cold winter, with friends dying all around him, he began to envision one day being free from the concentration camp, lecturing to crowds on the psychology of concentration camps. All of his challenges became experiences that informed his future work. He found purpose in his pain, and a greater reward to strive for.
In contrast, those who lost hope around Frankl began deteriorating, succumbing to illness and mental breakdowns, losing the will to go on, and surrendering to hopelessness and death. Frankl survived, eventually being liberated by American soldiers. He went on to write books, earn his Ph.D., and give lectures all over the world.
We also witness the power of vision in the life of Jesus in Hebrews 12:2, who “for the joy that was set before him endured the cross.” That joy was receiving “all authority on heaven and earth” (Matthew 28:18) and giving you and I the “right to become children of God” (John 1:12).
You can take heart because Jesus sees you, cares, and mourns with you. He has overcome the world (John 16:33), is ruling and reigning over all that is going on in this time (Psalm 47:8), and will one day make all things right and new (Revelation 21).

Lastly, let me encourage you to take these next steps to win mentally and emotionally during COVID-19.

1. Work through the five step process in this article, starting with one loss or painful experience.
2. Consider meeting with an online counselor or exploring more counseling resources at josh.org/find-help, if needed.
3. Check out josh.org/resolution for more resources about our new global initiative to help people overcome hurts and struggles, and thrive.
4. Connect with me on Instagram, Facebook, or on our website and share how I can be praying for you.

Ben Bennett is an author and communicator with Josh McDowell Ministry. Learn more at www.Josh.org/Ben.

We need authenticity, within healthy relationships, to find the freedom to become the people God wants us to be.

A few years ago, Josh McDowell rallied our ministry speaking team when he sat us down with his friend, Dr. Henry Cloud, a giant in the counseling world. You might have seen Dr. Cloud’s name on the back of one of his many internationally best-selling books, including his Boundaries series.

As Dr. Cloud notes in his book Changes That Heal, “Every week I see Christians who are suffering from a whole range of emotional problems: anxiety, loneliness, grief over broken relationships, resentment, and feelings of inadequacy. Often they have been struggling with these problems for years. They are people in pain.”

Some learn to hide that pain so well, for years, that no one sees it. Even though it’s at the forefront of our minds every minute. And every single one of those minutes, we live in fear that we’ll be discovered.

For 50+ years, Josh McDowell Ministry has been leading seekers into a deeper knowledge of God’s truth and power. We offer you our accumulated knowledge and research to help you find truth and encouragement to live a healthy and whole life in Christ.

We’re Designed for Relationships

As Dr. Cloud taught us about developing healthy relationships, he offered us a biblical model for addressing these struggles. He really opened our minds with his research, knowledge, and wisdom. But what impacted me most during our time together was the realization of how much he cares for individuals, even me.

Nearing the end of our training session, Dr. Cloud handed each of us a book titled The Power of the Other. He told us it would be a game-changer, if we read it. When I later opened the book, I was confronted with this statement: 

“There was only one thing that brought about change… the relationship. What actually brings about change in people, and the cure, is the relationship.”

This statement is super important, because it is foundational. The bottom line: For someone to speak into our life, we first need to feel that they care. We can choose from the best resources, books, and tools, to “fix” ourselves, but in the end, the curative force that helps us change is healthy relationships. People who care about us. People willing to offer us companionship — and grace.

Think about your hobbies. Maybe you’re into surfing, skiing, video games, or boardgames. Sure, these are fun to do alone. But I know that I would way rather surf with my friends than surf alone. Doing things with my friends fulfills me because we are enjoying them together. Even if we’re in an unexpected period of “social distancing” like we find ourselves in now, we still need relationships.

At the core of our being, I think we all know this: we crave connection. Even the most introverted or antisocial among us need connection. Do you know someone who doesn’t particularly like people, but has one or more pets? They are meeting their need for connection.

The Bible gives a pretty good explanation for why we crave relationships with others.  Simply put, Genesis 1 tells us that we have been created for intimacy with God. Genesis 2 adds that we also are created for intimacy with others. 
But here’s the catch: relationships only work when they are healthy. Lying and manipulating both stress and hurt relationships.

But in healthy relationships, authenticity, vulnerability, intimacy, and selflessness bring us closer together. In healthy relationships we are able to identify and deal with our emotions. In healthy relationships, we are able to work through our pain. In healthy relationships we are able to share our hidden parts of ourselves, guided by the Holy Spirit.

The Weight of Disconnection

One of the points Dr. Cloud shared with our team is that our hearts have two basic desires: to be fully known and fully loved. I really love what Dr. Timothy Keller, a renowned speaker and pastor in New York City, says about the joy of being fully known:

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” 

When we are lost in addiction, loneliness, and pain, we feel the weight of disconnection. When we are not fully known or fully loved within healthy relationships, we feel the weight of disconnect. I personally struggled with this disconnect for 11 years, when  I was addicted to pornography.

While on the outside I appeared to have it all together, I was hurting and wounded on the inside. I desperately hid this part of myself — even from my family who love me so much — because I was afraid of being rejected.

I want you to ponder this statement for a minute, until it really sinks in: When you are 99 percent known, but still 1 percent unknown, you are fully unknown.

“But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.” ~ Dr. Timothy Keller

Living in Our 1 Percent

When I first heard this concept from Matt Chandler, pastor of The Village Church in Dallas, Texas, I was skeptical of its truth. But as I compared it with my personal experience, and the experience of others that I know, I realized that it is valid.

If you are skeptical, here’s the bottom line: It’s not so much about the percentage, but the principle of the statement. When we don’t feel fully known, we don’t feel fully loved or accepted.

For years I shared most of my life with others. But I hid my addiction to pornography, which prevented anyone from fully knowing me. I was consumed with guilt and shame, but I learned to act like everything was okay. It took so much effort. And kept me in fear.

I filtered everything through that guilt and shame. When someone would compliment me on something, I thought they would retract their statement if they knew about my hidden sin. If a person told me that they loved or valued me, I didn’t believe it. Because they didn’t fully know me. When we are even 1 percent unknown, we live as if we are fully unknown. We put up walls of facade to protect ourselves.

Authentic Relationships Lead to Freedom

But Jesus is looking for our honesty. In our failures, He wants to see progress in our repentance from sin, not our perfection. What matters to Him is the actions we take when we sin. Unfortunately, there’s a problem in the Church. Too many people get the idea that they have to be “alright” all the time.

I grew up in church; I’m a pastor’s son. I internalized the message that the ideal Christian prays continuously, studies the Word, evangelizes everyone, and is holy all the time. Which is why we see so many Christians afraid to admit their sin. But if we accept this lie of perfection, all we can see is our sin and failure.

Yes, we can try to fill our desire of being loved and accepted by portraying a false version of ourselves, as I did for almost a decade. People will accept us for putting on a show, but will our hiding a part of ourselves bring us closer together? No. As I found out, it just brought more pain. I hated myself.

But one of the greatest sources of healing in my recovery from porn addiction was my decision to be 100 percent vulnerable with the people I love and trust. I was so afraid to do so, but when I finally pulled back the curtain on my junk to my parents, they offered me what Jesus also offers: unconditional grace and acceptance. Choosing to become 100 percent authentic has allowed me to step into healthy relationships that have brought me closer to God and others.

Now it’s your turn. What is the 1 percent that is isolating you from people? What do you need to stop hiding, so that you can begin to walk in self-forgiveness and grace? I encourage you to  share your burden with people you trust.

Are you worried what they will think of you? If it is someone you trust to love you, my guess is they won’t disown you or kick you to the curb. I bet their response will go something like this, “Hey thanks for being honest.” James 5:16 states that when we confess our sins to each other and pray for each other, we will be healed. I know this verse is true, because I am living it.

If I can encourage you further, please leave a comment below. God unconditionally loves you. Don’t think your sin can ever change that.

NEXT STEPS:

• Want Josh McDowell Ministry to pray for you? Share your needs with us.
• Who does God say that you are? Check out Ben Bennett’s article.
• Check out Josh’s research on the epidemic of pornography.
• Have you checked out our Resolution Movement? Click here.

Austin serves as a speaker with the Josh McDowell Ministry. A recent graduate of Talbot School of Theology, Austin and his wife Hannah seek to reach a wounded and broken generation for Jesus Christ.

A few years ago my sister walked up to me on the campus of Liberty University, seeking comfort from her older brother. A magician had just attempted to manipulate a kiss from her via his magic trick.

She came to me for safety and protection. But as I heard her story, I felt no emotion. Does that sound off to you? I mean, big brothers are supposed to be protective of their sisters, right? But in hearing that some guy had tried to kiss my sister, I honestly felt nothing. I remember thinking, “What’s the big deal? It’s just a kiss.” 

My years of watching pornography had desensitized me to healthy love. Love lost its beauty.

For 50+ years, Josh McDowell Ministry has been leading seekers into a deeper knowledge of God’s truth and power. We offer you our accumulated knowledge and research to help you find truth and encouragement to live a healthy and whole life in Christ.

Love: A Chemical Reaction?

When I first heard Josh McDowell speak on love, he claimed that it’s just a chemical reaction. That didn’t sit right with me, as I thought love was the good feeling we get when we really like someone. It felt like the word “chemical” took the emotion out of it. 
But Josh is right; we feel the emotion of love because of a chemical response. When we feel incredible joy, excitement, or sadness, it’s because of a release of chemicals in our brain.
Take the chemical, dopamine, for example. Dopamine is known as a pleasure chemical. When we satisfy a craving for hunger, or are complimented for doing something well, this feel-good chemical is released in our brain. This makes us feel great. Likewise, when we kiss, hug, or have sex, dopamine is released. 

Many mental health disorders are linked to too much or too little dopamine in different parts of the brain. Dopamine can fuel addiction.

The Big Problem

But here’s an interesting fact: the chemicals in our brains that produce bonding, good feelings, or love, are morally neutral. That’s right, the chemicals in your brain lack a moral code. That means they don’t know the difference between sex in a loving marriage relationship — or rape.
Which is why we have to tell our brains what is and is not acceptable. What is right and what is wrong. Otherwise dopamine and other chemicals will have free reign to lead us where we have no business going — whether that’s consuming too many cookies in one sitting, or developing a habit of porn.
I remember the first time I saw porn. It was in my neighbor’s basement. I was in kindergarten. I felt repulsed — as I should have. But in choosing to return to porn years later, those repulsive images became pleasurable to me.
Repeated porn viewing creates an addiction to see more. As the dopamine overpowered my repulsion, I began to associate pornography with pleasure. My brain was being rewired and desensitized. I allowed this ugly habit to grow bigger because seeing the graphic images felt good — even though I knew, from my Christian upbringing, that it wasn’t good for me.

Our brain likes pleasure. So if something feels good, we tend to return to it for more of that good feeling. 

After gaining pleasure from seeing so many horrific pornographic images, my brain viewed porn as normal. So, by the time my sister came running to me for empathy, I had none to give her. Watching porn had totally skewed my view of physical touch.
I had begun to think of women as objects for my pleasure, and that sexual acts outside of marriage weren’t all that bad. This became scary to me, because my parents had raised me with this truth: sex is God’s beautiful design to cement a couple’s love inside of marriage.

What’s your view of sex and love? Ask yourself these questions:

• Are you watching porn? If you are, know that you are being desensitized to healthy love every time you view it.
• Do you feel tension or conviction when you read God’s Word, or hear about a biblical model for sexuality? If so, there is conflict in your view of sexuality.
• Are you repulsed when you see sexual content outside of a biblical view of sexuality? If so, love may have lost its beauty for you.

The Healthy Solution

God created our emotions and ability to experience love in the context of His design. He also created our brains with the ability to learn — and unlearn. We can be desensitized to our addictions, even a strong addiction like pornography.
In Romans 12:2, Paul states, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.” Our brains can return to a state of health, by what we feed it, so that we gain a healthy, biblical view of sex and love. 
I’m not going to lie: this renewal of the mind takes hard work. We get there by daily starving the unwanted behaviors, thoughts, or beliefs in our head, and replacing them with healthy ones. I know this to be true because I have personally experienced this transformation. I have spent the past three years pursuing health and freedom from my porn addiction. Today, I can truthfully say that I am free of it and have found health.
When my sister and I now speak of this old memory, she clearly remembers the numb expression on my face. I regret not being there for her. If she came running up to her big brother today, would my response be different? Yes!
Now I would be able to feel her hurt and embarrassment and be there to console her. And if I am honest, I might have to go deal with that magician. After my experience with porn, I don’t want anyone to have the opportunity to cheapen love or physical touch for her.
Porn desensitized my brain to see women as objects. But now I see each person on this planet as loved and cherished by God. And I can now clearly see that His design for sex and love is very good, because it is healthy, selfless, and affirming.
I am deeply grateful that, for me, love has no longer lost its beauty. 

Porn turns people into objects. Porn turns sex into self-pleasure. Porn causes love to lose its beauty.

NEXT STEPS:

• In this video, Sean McDowell asks, “What is the best definition of love?“
• In this post, Ben Bennett answers the question, “How do we overcome the shame caused by desensitization?“
• Please read my article “Living in Freedom From Addiction.“
• How does porn affect our brains? Check out Josh’s research in “The Porn Epidemic.”

Austin serves as a speaker with the Josh McDowell Ministry. A recent graduate of Talbot School of Theology, Austin and his wife Hannah seek to reach a wounded and broken generation in relevant ways with the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I love hearing the highlights of people’s lives, vacations, weekends, or even workdays. They are insights into people’s unique passions, joys, and personalities. In my two years traveling with Josh McDowell as his assistant, I experienced quite a few highlights.

But one event, in particular, still stands out to me: the Set Free Conference. There is an epidemic in the church today, and it all revolves around pornography.

Global Initiative to Expose Porn Addiction

Set Free, an initiative launched by Josh to educate, start conversation, and de-shame porn addiction, focused on a few major themes: What is pornography? What are its associated problems, consequences, and solutions? A global initiative, Set Free Conferences have been held in the U.S., Mexico, Argentina, Uruguay, and Singapore; attendees have heard from top speakers such as Dr. Donald Hilton, Jessica Harris, Ben Bennett, and Josh McDowell. 
Why was Set Free the highlight of this two-year period? Because of the needed global conversation about the pornography epidemic — but also because of the response from attendees. 
I’ve watched empowered pastors share excitement and become eager to teach what they’ve learned. I’ve seen moms and dads finally be able to understand their child’s struggle with porn. I’ve seen community leaders get fired up about starting recovery groups. And I’ve seen wounded, broken, humble people openly confess, through pouring tears, the porn addictions that have torn their lives apart.
The first two sections of the Set Free Conference were hard-hitters: the problem of porn, and its consequences. As attendees heard the mind-boggling stats and gut-wrenching repercussions, they were glued to the edge of their seats. As they learned that porn is the number one problem in the Church — globally — their reactions ranged from shock and anger to utter despair. 

When we find the courage to talk about that which we deem to be dirty and uncomfortable, shame can be broken, movements can be started, and people can take the initial steps towards freedom.

The Problem of Porn

Our culture is so sexually saturated that porn is now included in top-selling books, advertising, and social media. We don’t even realize how many pornographic images we are exposed to daily, without our even trying to see them.
Christians are just as tempted as non-believers to view porn, which is why pastor Charles R. Swindoll has called pornography the greatest cancer in the history of the Church. As Josh adds, “It’s available, accessible, affordable, anonymous, appealing, aggressive, and addictive.” Porn is affecting the majority of families in every church around the globe. This epidemic is destroying families; it’s now the root cause of 56 percent of divorces.
So what is pornography? A general description is that it’s “that which is designed to arouse or sexually excite.” Porn is not juvenile and harmless, like too many people generally think. It is hardcore, graphic, and disgusting.

Porn addiction is biological, relational, and spiritual. Solutions must address each aspect for us to gain freedom.

Why is it an epidemic? I’ll share my personal experience. As I told readers in my last post, I have battled an addiction to porn that started well before my teens. I know how porn addiction distorts every part of a person’s life. I know the tangible consequences of the degradation of human life. I know the misery of living an isolated and disconnected life, and the hopelessness of addiction.

Mind-Boggling Stats

The reach of the porn industry is mind-boggling. One study found that porn sites receive more regular traffic than Netflix, Amazon, and Twitter combined each month. Porn now accounts for a third of all Internet traffic! More than 91 percent of men and 60 percent of women have reported consuming pornography in the past month.
But a lot of those viewers are young people, who got exposed to porn as early as eight years old! It’s just too easy to stumble on it on both cell phones and computers. In sharing my own story of woundedness, addiction, and journey toward freedom at the Set Free Conference, I’ve seen just how many young males — and increasingly young females — are struggling with addiction to porn. 
This breaks Josh’s heart; this crippling addiction is not what God intends for us. Josh has spent the past decade researching the problem, consequences, and solutions to pornography. Here are just a few startling statistics:

• 79 percent of men and 76 percent of women, ages 18-30, view pornography at least once a month.
• 64 percent of young people, ages 13-24, actively seek out pornography.
• 57 percent of pastors admit they struggle with porn.
• 60-72 percent of men and 24-30 percent of women in the Church are sex addicts. 

What these stats show is that our society has normalized porn. Research shows that teens and young adults consider failing to recycle more immoral than viewing pornography!

The Consequences of Porn

There’s a reason that sexual immorality is talked about so frequently in the Bible. 1 Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.” 
The consequences that pornography yields dismantle a person’s biological, spiritual, and relational self. Biologically, it rewires our brains, creating a lack of control, chemical dependency, and desensitization. Spiritually, it disconnects us from God. Isaiah 59:2 states that our iniquities have caused separation between us and God; that our sins have hidden His face from us. Viewing pornography is rooted in our lust and sexual immorality; it is adultery. It is sin, plain and simple. 
In Ephesians 4:17-19, we can read that giving ourselves over to sensuality cuts us off from the life of God. Relationally, pornography causes guilt, shame, and isolation. When we isolate, we cut ourselves off from one of God’s greatest gifts, our brothers and sisters in Christ. One of the consequences of the epidemic of pornography is that it leads to a skewed perspective of how to treat others. 

Pornography causes the belief that:

• It’s okay to use, abuse, or mistreat others for self-gratification.
• It’s okay to view and participate in the use, mistreatment, or abuse of a person.
• People can treat others with indifference.
• Pleasure guides principle, meaning sexual passion trumps moral objectives.

Pornography creates:

• A demonstrated lack of empathy toward others.
• Decreased interest in and/or declining performance in school and extracurricular activities.
• Sexual aggression, incest, and age-inappropriate relationships.
• Concentration problems, low motivation, depression, social anxiety, negative self-perceptions, and erectile dysfunction.

Sexual abuse is always a hot topic in the media. But it’s interesting to note how infrequently porn is cited as the source motivating that abuse. Check out the Porn Epidemic’s chapter on sexual harassment to learn more about sexual abuse and its tie to pornography.

Hope

Coming face-to-face with the reality of our sin should lead us not into isolation, but to the feet of our Heavenly Father. The weight of our sin is heavy, too heavy to bear alone. It is so easy to be caught up in the magnitude of this epidemic and lose hope. I have done so many times.
But the truth is, there is hope. 1 Peter 2:24 offers us good news: “He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.” 
It is easy to become discouraged in the shadow of a giant, but we can’t forget that we know the end of the story. Christ, the Son of God, took the form of a man to take our sins upon Himself. He died, but triumphantly rose to reunite us with our Heavenly Father. He offers us forgiveness and healing, if we are willing to place our trust and faith in Him. With His help, we can conquer any sin.
Hope motivated all the Set Free attendees who confessed their addiction for the first time. And there is hope in the midst of your child’s addition, your personal addiction, or those of your friends. 
Porn is currently an epidemic. But no problem is bigger than God. I have hope in the power of His healing the world. Because I’ve witnessed it and experienced it. Have hope!

Want to learn more?

• Want a Josh McDowell Ministry speaker to come to your church? 
• Want research? Josh has compiled decades of research here: The Porn Epidemic.
• A list of ministries that help people to overcome porn.
• Join the Resolution Movement!

For two years I traveled with Josh McDowell, helping to wake people up to the fact that pornography has become an epidemic in America — despite the fact that few seem to recognize the problem.

I know first-hand the devastation it causes, and how easy it is to become addicted and enslaved by shame. Here’s a bit of my story.

My Early Intro to Porn

I remember the moment like it was yesterday. I walked into the room at our youth group’s winter camp, only to be greeted by the tears of a good friend. It was sixth grade and I was 12 years old. He blurted, “I need to tell you something.” Before I knew it, he was spilling out a story all too familiar to my own: his deep struggle with pornography. I sat, shocked, as guilt and an enormous conviction flooded my soul. 
I was first exposed to porn at just nine years old, but curiosity led me to seek it out when I was eleven. That unwise decision birthed an 11-year addiction that devastated that period of my life. For almost a decade, pornography became my source of intimacy, gratification, and acceptance.

When I was lonely, porn was my comfort. When I felt like a failure, porn gratified. When I felt like I was worthless, porn gave me a sense of worth.

My desire to be fully known and loved began to be satisfied by this counterfeit source. Porn was an escape into a pleasure-soaked world. I soon became emotionally withdrawn from family and friends, as shame and isolation grew within me.

Hiding My Shame

At church I was the pastor’s son; I looked like I had it all together. I learned all the right answers and how to perform for others’ acceptance. Opportunities arose for me to lead worship, small groups in my youth group, and even speak. Mentors and friends encouraged and complimented me, but their uplifting words filtered through my shame, diving me deeper into desolation.
I lied, ran, and hid in moments of vulnerability. Honestly, my life looked good, but the unrest of my double life tore me apart. 
I heard at church and Christian seminars that if I confessed my sin to Jesus, and developed accountability with the guys around me, I would find freedom from my addiction. I tried this for years, confessing my sins over and over again with accountability that failed. This traumatizing cycle of guilt, confession, short periods of change, and relapse continued throughout my addiction.

As I repeatedly failed, the guilt of my failure moved to shame when I viewed myself as the failure. Rock bottom was a rude awakening in my junior year of college.

I had lost hope and was deeply depressed. Failure, worthlessness, and shame consumed my thoughts as I tried to keep my act together. On the morning of March 28, 2017, I finally reached out to the two people that I knew loved and cared about me more than anyone else, my parents.
I called home and confessed. And in that moment I experienced pure grace.

Seeking Freedom

My parents spoke worth into who I was as a child of God — and as their son. That morning launched my process of finding health: cutting the supply of pornography, true repentance, true accountability, and counseling.
Finding healing has been one of the hardest journeys of my life. I struggle to use the term “freedom” because I struggle to believe that we can find true freedom from sin here on earth. That full freedom is what we look forward to when we are reunited with our Creator.

But I can say that I have found a new level of health, which consists of a life of no secrets, intimacy with God, processing emotions, and reaching out in relationships.

Do I still watch porn? No. But am I truly free? No. Because porn is not just a problem, it is a medication for an underlying problem.
We all medicate with something when we have desires that go unmet. Instead of healthily going to God and the people around me to be loved and known, fear drove me to a counterfeit. Through counseling, I realized that I was not just dealing with an addiction to pornography, but wounds of my past. Porn addicts are not perverts; they are hurting and looking for love, acceptance, and gratification in the wrong place. As my friend Ben Bennett, the director of the Josh McDowell Ministry’s Resolution Movement says, “Unmet desires lead to unwanted behaviors.”

Leaning on Christ

There is much pain in my story. But that pain is nothing compared to the deep love of Christ. I can sit here today with the strong conviction that I am a beloved child of God, with immense worth to my Creator. That is cause to celebrate! Nothing compares to my intimacy with the Lord and the people around me. I hold strong to these two verses that my parents shared with me the morning I confessed my addiction:

John 16:33: “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”  
Romans 8:1: “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” 

Pornography is wrecking our nation, our churches, our families, and us as individuals. It is undermining the very groundwork God put in place for people to relate in healthy intimacy. The global stats of this struggle are overwhelming, but there is hope, starting with the Church choosing to deal with this struggle directly.
As the Church, the bride of Christ, let’s start talking. Let’s normalize the topic of sexual addiction, which has been taboo for too long in the Church. Until we are willing to talk about this openly and compassionately, porn addicts will continue to hide in their shame.
I ask you: Is it the purpose of the Church to condemn — or to help lead captives to freedom? I believe Jesus came to show us that it’s the latter.

For more on my story, listen to the Long Story Short podcast, where my good friend Alex and I discuss the shame and solution to porn addiction.

Helpful Resources:

• Join the Resolution!
• Josh McDowell Ministry Sex & Relationships resource page
• https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/NISVS-StateReportBook.pdf
• https://fightthenewdrug.org/why-consuming-porn-is-an-escalating-behavior/#24
• https://www.culturereframed.org/researched-harms/

Welcome! In this post we dive further into talking about sex with your kids. Specifically, God’s beautiful design for it.

“Love and sex — don’t they mean the same thing?”

We live in an age of information overload. Yet there’s so much misinformation about love, sex, and relationships. For many people, love and sex DO mean the same thing. But in last week’s post we talked about how they actually differ, especially to God. So much of the confusion stems from people having a desire for love — but not understanding what real love looks like.

Young people desperately need to hear and hold a positive, biblical worldview about God’s design for sex. Without this foundation in place, it’s no surprise to see so many end up broken, facing all kinds of challenges in their lives and relationships.

When we are talking about sex with our youth, we need to help them see that it’s a sacred act, not a casual one. Yet society pushes sexual exploration and immorality on our kids, encouraging them to embrace a cheapened morality. Parents, we don’t have to feel helpless about this influence. We can fight back by taking an active role in guiding our kids to understand God’s beautiful design for sex. We can help our kids to know and stand on the truth so they enjoy their best life.

Helpful Parenting Resource

Trust me, even when our kids act like they’re grossed out that we’re talking about sex, they are listening. Especially when we approach them with respect. They want to know what we think. Kids love to hear real stories of how we’ve gained our wisdom!
One resource that has equipped me and my husband, Alex, to have these conversations with our kids is Josh McDowell’s book, The Bare Facts: 39 Questions Your Parents Hope You Never Ask About Sex. Josh wrote the book because he believes knowledge, not ignorance, is the key to youthful purity. Using entertaining anecdotes, real stories, and biblical insights, Bare Facts delivers frank and biblical answers to top questions our kids are asking about sex, love, and relationships.
I read the book first, to prepare myself for talking with my teenagers. And then I gave them the book to them to read for themselves, to put us on the same page, literally. You can read some sample pages of Bare Facts by clicking here. You can order the book alone or as a book/DVD set, for use in small groups.

Love and sex are not the same thing, though that’s the message our kids see in entertainment and the media. In talking about sex with our kids, we guide them in  valuing the role God intends for sex. And we help them to hold fast to His standard, despite the siren call of our increasingly sexualized society. Our kids can’t know the truth, if we leave it to society to instruct them.

As parents, we need to be ready to have important conversations with our kids. We need to make sure they feel free to ask questions and are prepared to make good choices. We need to make sure they aren’t doing life from shame or fear, but living in the light of God’s truth.

The Bare Facts: 39 Questions Your Parents Hope You Never Ask About Sex, you can talk to your kids about:

> Whether sexting and oral sex are big deals. 
> How to deal with their hormones, emotions, and sexual attraction.
> Choosing to not view porn, to skip its addictive grip.
> Why waiting to have sex until marriage has some really big perks.
> God’s amazing grace and forgiveness if they’ve already had sex.

⇒ ⇒ Click here to see all of Josh’s parenting videos

Many thanks to guest blogger Sheryl McLellan.